My Allergic/Atopic Valentine

Chocolate, flowers, stuffed animals, perfume and jewellery - that pretty much sums up most Valentine's Day presents. Not that there's anything wrong with them, though I'm not sure what to do with the stuffed animals, except give them to my niece.

So, I think we can do better. And, if you have an allergic/atopic girlfriend or boyfriend, I know we can do better.

1. Massage - You have two choices here. DIY or book a single or couples massage at a spa. If DIY, look for a basic massage oil that does not contain your beloved's allergens. A massage oil with a grapeseed base is usually pretty safe. Common allergens found in some massage oils are sweet almond oil, soybean oil and other nut oils. If in doubt, buy a pure, food-grade grapeseed or avocado oil from your local health food store. To make it a little bit more aromatherapeutic, add a couple of drops of lavender or rose. Stay away from essential oils like peppermint since it's an irritant. Remember that many essential oils can irritate if applied directly to the skin, undiluted. Just a couple of drops pre-mixed with the massage oil will do. A note about fragrance, just because it's pure, doesn't mean it's problem-free. Even natural scents can cause respiratory, nasal and/or skin reactions, like contact dermatitis . If in doubt, skip the scent entirely. Focus on creating an inviting atmosphere with heated towels, relaxing music and unscented candles.

If you've decided to go all out and book a massage with a registered massage therapist, do your research and pick a reputable place like spas in hotels or salons that carry your favourite vegan brands. When making the booking, make sure they are aware of your girlfriend's/boyfriend's allergies and can accommodate. If you get the sense that they don't "get it" over the phone, find another place or find another gift.

2. Chocolate - Good quality chocolate that is free of dairy and nuts is a difficult thing to find. Cross-contamination is a common thing in chocolate processing. There are some allergy-free chocolates available, but sadly they're not always great quality. Pacari is a great chocolate since it's pretty much dairy-free. However, there are nuts in some of its products. However, chocolate availability is different from city to city. So, find your nearest and best chocolate boutique and have a face-to-face conversation. When chocolate wrappers say "may contain", it usually does contain. This year, Ange Gardien (located in Boucherville, Quebec) is offering lovely, boutique-style chocolates which are egg-free, nut-free and dairy-free. Any guy who did his research and bought me these, would definitely be in my good books!

3. Jewellery/Watches - You really can't go wrong here, as long as you're buying something of quality. Be aware of nickel allergies. If you're buying that stunning, diamond solitaire in a platinum band, you're probably okay. Local artisans are very aware of what they use in their jewellery; so, email or talk to a designer your beloved admires in order to find something that works. Something else to consider this year is MedicAlert's line of beautiful and casual bracelets - leather, beads, crystals and silver. These might not be worn everyday; so, a special and thoughtful gift for that special someone is appreciated. Make a gift certificate for them and participate in the ordering process.

4. Flowers -With flowers, unless you know for certain that your Valentine is okay with them, it's best to avoid this entire gift giving category. If you decide to go ahead because of experience, stick with low-pollen flowers, like orchids, hydrangeas and pansies. CasaSugar has a great list of Low-Pollen Flowers. What's available will depend on where you live; so, ask your florist for advice.

5. Dinner - Those of us with food allergies can get a little tired of always having to interrogate the restaurant staff about everything before we put it in our mouth. So, once again, you have two choices, DIY or find a safe place. In the case of DIY, it's more than okay to discuss with your girl or boy ahead of time if you don't know everything he or she is allergic to. Ask questions and be interested. It shows a level of dedication that is certainly romantic.

If you're going to take your sweetheart out to a restaurant, try to stick to either a cuisine or restaurant with which they're comfortable. Valentine's Day is about being romantic and showing you care, not having an adventure (a.k.a. trip to the ER). Talk to your significant other and make sure they're comfortable and call the restaurant ahead of time to book and discuss allergies with them. Valentine's Day is busy; so, make time a few days in advance to speak to the chef and advise him or her of the allergens to be avoided. On the day of, tell your server of the allergies and that you've spoken to the chef. A written card with the allergies on it is a great way to make sure no miscommunication happens on a busy night. Review my previous post "Eating Out With Allergies" for more tips.

6. Perfume/Cologne - Skip it. With the countless chemicals and scents contained in any vial of perfume, you're doomed before you begin with this present. From contact dermatitis - allergic and irritant - to asthma and nasal reactions, you can't win. So, unless your darling has requested something specific, keep shopping.

7. Movie Night - This can be as simple as agreeing to see something at the theatre (that you wouldn't otherwise agree to) or spending a wonderful night in with a few movies, wine and allergy-free snacks. This can be as fancy or as casual as your relationship calls for.

The real advice here is to think differently. Valentine's Day is a day to go out of your way to show that special someone you love them. It's not about the amount you spend, but how you spend it. For anyone with atopic conditions or allergic conditions, there are things that are difficult to arrange or obtain. Really think about it. Is it an allergy-free dessert that they didn't have to bake themselves? Perhaps a nice dining experience in which you've already briefed the chef ahead of time so they don't have to. Maybe it's their favourite moisturizer that they have to mail-order to get or a set of bamboo sheets in a beautiful colour so they can have a good night's sleep.

In the end, maybe it has nothing to do with allergies or atopic conditions at all. A visit to a great art gallery exhibit followed by drinks at a nice wine bar can be a great way to spend an evening. Romance is in the eye of beholder.

Being Allergic Makes Me Sad

There is one thing about having all these problems that I never see much written about. Depression. There have been studies, but it's certainly not something my dermatologist, allergist or family physician ever talked about as being normal or expected.


It should be.


Every time you eat in public, either at a restaurant or even a party, you have to speak up and draw attention to yourself. If you're shy, this is made worse by the fact that something you don't want to share with everyone is suddenly out in the open. Everyone feels they get to share their opinion, or limited knowledge, or just crack insensitive jokes to lighten the mood. "So, I guess a peanut butter milkshake with an egg would kill you? Ha-ha-ha." Most people just want to be normal and not being able to eat a slice of cake or pizza doesn't feel normal.


Now imagine eczema. Your skin is your very own portable torture chamber. It's itchy, it burns, swells, cracks and bleeds for no reason you can fathom sometimes. To have times when you can't show your face or have to wear long sleeve shirts and pants to hide your scars or rashes is horrendous at best. For children, it is even worse. To paraphrase an old saying, "children are evil". Whether by nature or nuture, they are able to identify all imperfections and ways of torturing children deemed as imperfect.


So, it's no wonder that children, teenagers and adults with these conditions get depressed sometimes.


I would imagine parents of a child with allergies/eczema (from now on, I'll just blanketly refer to us as "atopic") feels anguish at the thought of what the child goes through and wants only to help.


Here's what doesn't help:


1. Don't tell your child that his/her condition hurts you as much as it does them. Believe me, it doesn't. If you don't have it, you can't know and you're diminishing their suffering by thinking you do.


2. Don't tell your child s/he'll outgrow it. If your physician tells them this, I would have a private conversation with them to let them know you would not like them to utter these well-meaning but false hopes in future. I waited in vain when I turned 6, then 9, then 12, 13 and finally 16 and on none of my birthdays did my allergies or eczema magically vanish at the stroke of midnight. In some cases, it is life long and it doesn't do children any good to believe the impossible.


3. Don't listen to your doctor "blindly". She or he does know best, but they don't know all. If you feel like something isn't quite right, seek a second opinion. Research what they're telling you. Make every effort to educate yourself on the available options.


4. Don't drag your atopic child to every doctor, naturopath and quack on the planet in search of some magical cure. I've gone to naturopaths (note the plural), some who were good and one who negligently told me I could eat at least an egg a week. (I'm sure I could have, though it would have been my last. At the very least, I would have made great friends at the local ER and bankrupted my parents with EpiPen purchases in the process). I even went to an acupuncturist, which did nothing, except to remove thousands of dollars from my parents' bank accounts and my life long fear of needles. You can stick me with practically anything now and I don't care. I've even been to useless dermatologists who are too busy to actually look at my skin and mean-spirited allergists who disparage anything not made with a steroid. Use common sense and don't waste your time.


5. Try your very best to make sure your child doesn't feel responsible for any issues you have in your family. Having an ill child of any sort is bound to put pressures on a family. Parents are stressed because they don't know what to do and hate to see their child in pain. Sibilings feel neglected. You need to keep your sanity and be a cohesive family unit, no matter what.


6. If you have any doubts about your child's emotional state, don't be afraid to seek out a child psychiatrist. If they prescribe medications, do your research and get a second opinion. Sometimes, just talking is the best thing for a child.


7. Lastly, if you're religious, that's fine. But, please don't make your child think that this is a punishment for something or that if they pray hard enough God or Jesus will cure them. It is not a punishment and frankly, if God or Jesus are in the habit of acting on prayers, I would rather they eliminated world hunger before worrying about me.


So, that's all the things to not do. I'm sure there are more, but that will do for now. My future posts will be more about products and at home treatments that have worked for me and even restaurants or cookbooks I've found useful. Much more fun, I promise.

See below for disclaimer.